My partner is awesome in every way, including the bedroom. But, he is also very “adventurous.” I have been able to keep up until recently, but there are some things I just won’t do. Should I be worried he will leave if I can’t continue to fulfill his desires? — M.L.
It’s fantastic that you are in a rewarding and fulfilling relationship! Love it. So, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you are not in charge of how your partner behaves. His actions are not your responsibility. The bad news: It can feel scary to not want to “control” his actions or be in charge of his happiness. But making him happy is not your job, and you’ll also never be able to fulfill all of his desires.
We tend to expect a lot from our partners these days, but the reality is that they cannot fill every need that we have. Doing things you both like contributes to the success of your relationship inside and outside of the bedroom, but we need to be more realistic about what our partners can give to us, and us to them.
You mentioned “keeping up” and I want to make sure that you are OK with all of the things you are currently doing — because it’s not OK to engage in something that makes you uncomfortable, especially if you’re doing it out of fear. You are worthy, and deserve to be respected.
Have you talked to him about what you are comfortable with? I’m assuming you’d want to know if there was something that made him uncomfortable, sexual or not. Sometimes we think we’ve conveyed our opinions, when we really haven’t. Other times, we passively agree with something because we may be too embarrassed to bring it up.
Communication is so critical in relationships. You shouldn’t be afraid to share your feelings — if you are, you should ask yourself why. Are you afraid he’ll think less of you? That’ he’ll leave? Do you really want to be with someone who forces you to do something you’re not OK doing in the first place? A person like that isn’t awesome, or good for you, no matter what they might do to convince you otherwise.
I’m thinking that the two of you just need a good, honest, open conversation to sort this all out. That conversation will reveal some insights into your relationship. No matter what, remember that you deserve to be with someone who respects your opinions and boundaries.
Courtney Boyer is a Certified Life Coach and Sexuality Educator in the Sandhills. Have a question for Courtney? Submit it anonymously here.