Sugar, We’re Going Down
Sure, we all want to trick-or-treat ourselves to a full-size Milky Way Midnight or one of those Tootsie Rolls that looks like a literal brick. But you’re an adult, which means your kids will likely leave you with little else but variations of the flavor orange.
How to make the most of it? With more content no one asked for: Drink pairings that will help you get rid of what belongs in the Island of Misfit Candies.
- The Unbranded Lollipop: These used to come whooshing down the cylinder of the bank’s drive-thru vacuum. Your kids don’t know what any of that means, so use them to stir your prosecco, oh ancient one.
- Candy Corn Martini: Fill a mason jar with these triangles of regret, and pour in some vodka. Let sit for a few hours, then mix with butterscotch schnapps for a martini sweet enough to hurt your spleeny.
- Pocket Candies of Unknown Origin: Those weird strawberry bonbons that seem to multiply in every church purse pair well with the o.g. GrandMa, aka Grand Marnier: cognac and bitter orange liqueur.
- Dots: Chewy, sticky sugar bombs need something violent to wash them down. Try tequila, with force.
- Milk Duds: A strong, full-bodied red wine will make any dud more appealing. Unlike your last dinner date, at least these are gluten free.
- Spider Rings: Let them hang out on the side of your glass, or on the stem, for an easy drink marker — because nothing is scarier than spreading something other than holiday cheer. For that thought, you’re welcome.