In HearSway, swaywiththis

News of all these proposed commercial developments in Southern Pines have us rushing straight to the Facebook comments after every town meeting. While our crystal ball isn’t revealing any signs of Trader Joes, we do know that our town is attracting more big-city folk — which of course means we’re one unlikely romance away from living in a movie starring the girl who played DJ Tanner. 

You didn’t ask us for a Southern Pines-inspired Hallmark movie plot, but we did it anyway. Spoiler alert: it involves a big-city businessman and a wholesome, small-town gal.  

PART I: Love is a One-Way Street

A wealthy, big-city developer who uses lots of hair gel and carries a handkerchief arrives in Southern Pines on a business trip. We’ll call him … Chad. Anyway, Chad’s Tesla gets caught behind a train. He scoffs at the small town-ness of it all. 

He is now running late for the Southern Pines Town Council meeting at the Douglass Community Center and doesn’t see the Broad Street sign that tells him to yield to the left. He *almost* gets hit by a wholesome-looking female in her mid-30s who is driving a green Subaru with a “Coexist” bumper sticker on the back. We’ll call her … Sarah. Sarah owns a shop on Broad Street that sells polymer clay earrings and hand-tooled leather whiskey glass coasters.

Chad aggressively blows his horn at Subaru Sarah, and his act of douchery elicits a dramatic eye roll from her. She yells at him to watch where he’s going and mutters under her breath something about jerks in Teslas. 

Finally, Chad arrives at the community center. You see, Chad’s family’s real estate development company has proposed plans to build a big-ass [unnamed commercial building] on the site of a 300-year-old home. Construction of the [unnamed commercial building] would require the demolition of said 300-year-old home. The town is outraged; [unnamed commercial buildings] are not quaint. They do not pass the vibe check. 

Chad is setting up giant renderings when angry townsfolk arrive at the town meeting to protest the [unnamed commercial building]. Guess who is leading the pack? Subaru Sarah. 

The meeting begins and ends with Sarah and Chad arguing while exuding enormous amounts of sexual tension. Chad thinks the [unnamed commercial building] would be great for tourist season and would benefit the town economically. Sarah thinks Chad’s full of shit. She argues he doesn’t know the town like she does. Oh, and did we mention Sarah’s GRANDMOTHER once lived in the 300-year-old house that is set to be demolished??

The rest of the town heads to social media to debate the tomfoolery that is the [unnamed commercial building] in the comments. Chad goes straight to The Jefferson for a beveragino. Chad doesn’t know it’s karaoke Thursday on The Jeff patio (editor’s note: this didn’t age well). But you know who does? Subaru Sarah. 

PART II: Romance in the Pines

Sarah rolls into The Jeff ready to blow off some steam with a couple of green tea shots and a rendition of Shania Twain’s “Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under.” She spots douchebag Chad in the corner nursing a Heineken, scrolling through his email and contemplating his lack of a social life. 

Subaru Sarah throws back a green tea shot and marches his way prepared to roast him but stops in her tracks after realizing he’s now FaceTiming with his … 6-year-old son? Apparently, Chad is a father and a widow.

Chad hangs up and is ready to intercept her roast, but it doesn’t come. She tells him she can’t believe he has a heart. He says he can’t believe it either. Chad offers to buy Subaru Sarah a drink. They make their way to the bar and order two vodka sodas and end up getting lost in conversation. It turns out that Sarah’s grandmother met her grandfather in the front yard of the 300-year-old house. A tear rolls down Sarah’s cheek. Good thing Chad carries a handkerchief.

Suddenly, they’re interrupted by the karaoke guy announcing that they’re up. Subaru Sarah’s network of girl bosses have signed the pair up to sing “Picture” by Kid Rock and Cheryl Crow as a “joke.” Little do the network of girl bosses know that the song holds a special place in both of their hearts. Chad and Sarah sing and harmonize beautifully with loving eyes. 

Back at his Pinehurst Airbnb, Chad calls his father who runs the real estate development company and begs him to call off the construction of the [unnamed commercial building]. His father laughs and says something about a bulldozer arriving tomorrow. Chad begs him to just hop on his jet and fly to Moore County for the weekend. He wants to show him how quaint the town is.

Chad and dad stroll down Broad Street during First Friday. Dad agrees with Chad — it is quaint. After a cold Man of Law and a slice from SoPies, Chad’s dad agrees to call off the [unnamed commercial building]. Chad rejoices. But WAIT … what about the bulldozer they ordered? Chad rushes to the site of the 300 year old building to stop it but it’s too late — the bulldozer is revved up and Subaru Sarah is standing on the curb looking nothing short of pissed off. How could Chad do this to her after their romantically charged duet?

Chad tries to explain and Sarah isn’t listening. Some people just don’t change. 

Suddenly, Chad has an idea — he will ask his Tesla to park itself in front of the house in protest! The Tesla obeys Chad and scoots in front of the house while Chad stands 50 yards away because he doesn’t want to get mud on his Gucci slides. 

The bulldozer inches closer and closer until it … stops? It stops! The protest worked! Chad has another idea! He will buy the 300-year-old house and hire someone to fix it up because he’s allergic to sawdust. 

Chad tells Sarah he loves her and her Subaru. They kiss and decide to get married despite the fact that they’ve known each other for less than a week. 

*Fast forward one month*

Chad and Sarah stand on the porch of the 300-year-old house and prepare to exchange wedding vows. To the right of the bride we see the network of girl bosses who have since been promoted to #BrideTribe. To the left of the groom, we see Chad’s dad, and Chad’s handkerchief. (Chad is still working on making friends).

Sarah promises to never open a Nature Valley crunchy granola bar while riding in the Tesla. Chad promises to remember to yield to the left. They kiss. They live happily ever after.

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