Rotting in the post-Christmas haze that only exists in your parent’s basement is also the perfect time to wallow in your choice of a job that only exists on the internet. You just found out that your cousin achieved their dream of becoming a cardiologist, and is literally saving lives while you’re sending emails. It’s not too late to start over, right? You’re not too old to go back to school, right? Wrong. You definitely are. But the dusty old bottle of Buffalo Trace your dad cracks open on special occasions is whispering, and you’re heeding the call of possibilities that only a second drink can sing.
It’s at that very moment when your cousin’s kids pop on “The Nightmare Before Christmas,” a movie you’ve avoided all your life because of the people who made it their whole personality. You’re privately gloating about avoiding the emo phase with your own preteens when the plot actually starts to interest you.
Like you, Jack Skellington could do his job in his sleep (nightmares?). Like you, Jack Skellington is unfulfilled and so tired he’s literally dead, despite being revered as the go-to person in the small, sad and dark kingdom over which he rules. Suddenly, he stumbles upon Christmas Town and is filled with new and great ideas! He could be that guy! He could bring Christmas to Halloween Town!
You feel yourself getting excited, too. You haven’t felt this way since your last vacation, when you almost convinced your spouse that you should quit your jobs, sell everything, move to Myrtle Beach and pursue a second career as a banana boat captain. Only you’re not on vacation. You’re in your parent’s basement, and you’re scrolling through the results of your search for “free career aptitude test.”
Like you, Jack Skellington is lost and grasping at straws. He knows nothing about this new career field. His team is confused, and his own attempt at being Santa is terrifying. He becomes a villain. You realize that’s the same thing that would happen to you if you attempted to revive your career in retail.
Never mind. Surely Tim Burton is wrong. There can be something new out there just for you, right? Hah! See here! The test results say you’re very intelligent and an out-of-the-box thinker, capable of solving complex problems. You pay $1.50 for the top job that matches your very specific set of skills.
Months later, no closer to your new career as a custom bicycle mechanic, you realize you’ve been paying $1.50 every week since Dec. 26. Turns out the person the aptitude test identified as brilliant has accidentally signed up for the company’s subscription service. Wow, the unintended results of these things are more accurate than you expected. You’re an idiot, and two wheels just aren’t for you. You sigh and load up once again for the carpool lane.
This piece is a #swaytake, a series of first-person, anonymous and relatable articles. Respond at hello@itsthesway.com
