This Halloween, we braved the cluster of distressed mothers in Walmart to see what wasn’t on trend this year. What did we learn? Big-box stores will always over-order skeleton t-shirts, and you can stock up on mullet wigs for the low price of $5.98. Below, our commentary on the not-so-bad, the bad and the punny. Rolllllback.
1. Xanax Nightgown
Or, you know, a chill pill.
2. Jojo Siwa’s Pop/Metal Crossover Album
Sure, she was all rainbows and unicorns, but that was before little Johnny stood her up for the sixth grade dance. Whoever made this costume may or may not have had a peek into our overly dramatic middle-school diary.
3. A Witch That Means Business
When it comes to witches, always go gothic. Because witches who dress in pastels are really just fairy godmothers — and the two things we don’t have time for on Halloween is curfews. And morals.
4. The Head-Turner
The classic business-in-the-front, party-in-the-back can go transform you into anyone from Joe Dirt to a wholesome cowboy who’s just seen his daughter perched atop a wrecking ball. Translation: This wig has seen some shit.
5. Intro-Level SkelePimp
This economy six-piece costume even features a hand pump to move around all that red stuff this marketed as “Fun Blood” — as opposed to, you know, Unfun Blood. The scythe-shaped pimp cane is just a bonus, ’cause these skelehoes ain’t loyal.
6. Man Child
We thought nothing could be creepier than a murderous, tiny doll, until we saw this nightmare-inducing Benjamin Button. This psychopath might dress in twee jumpsuits, but his bloodlust is full-grown. Plus, no one with good intentions buys dolls that big.
Like what you see? Cool. You can snag next year’s costume for 75 percent off when Nov. 1 rolls around.