Below, our in-house sexpert answers a question received from a reader. Have a question of your own? Submit it anonymously here.


Let me set the scene: I don’t remember how old I was, but I do remember it was some circa-1980s Tom Cruise movie. I vividly remember the imagery — two shadowy figures seamlessly undressing each other. Their shadows would come together, like a dance, as they made their way to the bed. A soundtrack was playing, of course, obliterating any unsavory noises. Rain poured outside while the two figures mimicked each other’s moves under the covers. And after what seemed like forever, Tom Cruise rolled over and the two lovers lay somewhat breathless side by side. Music fades and the next scene opens with the sun shining on their sleeping, entwined bodies.

Maybe that’s how your sexual encounters (excuse me, lovemaking sessions) have always been. If so, good for you. Now, please stop reading this article. There’s nothing in here for you.

But, if you’re like most sexually active people, those types of smooth moments rarely happen. If you waited for it to happen so perfectly, it probably never would. So, this leads to the question: should you schedule sex? Yes, absolutely. Do it right now, in fact. Just make sure you remember who can see your Google calendar though, because that could be awkward.

Many people object to the idea of scheduling, because they believe it takes away the spontaneity of it. Unfortunately, this notion that great sex just magically happens is a lie so many of us believe. Can sex be spontaneous, and fueled by feelings of passion and excitement? Absolutely! Does that happen after a 50-hour workweek when you come home to two small kids, an exhausted partner, and a dog that is begging for a walk? Yeah, probably not.

Before you can actually schedule your first sex date, you need to accept the fact that these are important enough to be scheduled. Let go of any thoughts that you’re somehow getting something wrong because you need to schedule sex. In fact, the opposite is true! You recognize that your life is busy and complicated; therefore, you are taking steps to prioritize your relationship. Many people find that their attitude shifts (for the better) when they have sex on the calendar. They start to look forward to it and are able to prepare themselves physically and emotionally.

Small caveat: This planned session does not have to be intercourse. It can be anything that brings you and your partner together in an emotional, physical, spiritual, etc. … way. But it needs to be intimate. Are you allowed to have relations that are not planned? Absolutely! But if you’re in a stage of life where those are few and far between, then embrace this idea and get to planning.

Courtney Boyer is a mental health counselor and sexuality educator living in the Sandhills. 

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